My first official medical diognosis of depression

My first official medical diagnosis of depression was in 1995, when I was diagnosed with post natal depression following a very difficult pregnancy.

That's not to say I hadn't suffered from depression before, I was an adopted child, and although I had the most loving supportive parents and extended family & friends, adoption is not an issue that does not come without it's own set of mental health related questions & issues, the whys?- related to rejection issues, the who's related to identity questions, and all the other questions that these questions bring into play that can cause sadness, confusion and other emotional upsets.

However, as I said my parents were wonderful and supportive, and gave me the information they felt would help me cope with these issues and any questions I had.
Of course, there were questions I felt I couldn't ask, resulting from fears that my questions may hurt their feelings or cause them to feel I was rejecting them...
 It can be very complicated, particularly during puberty & early teen years.
This areas are not the focus of this blogg though and can be returned to later .

My pregnancy difficulties were in relation to a grade A placenta prievia, diagnosed the week following my dad's death, in itself a very difficult time in my life.
 I had to be admitted to hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy, again, as a mother of two young children difficult, as suitable arrangement's for their care had to be made, and  they were dealing with the loss of my father too, their granpa.
Then in addition to that, I had concerns for my mother, my mum had suffered for most of my life with the debilitating decease rheumatoid arthritis, and in addition had had pulmonary & lung problems as well as other health issues related to having poor immunity resulting from years of drug therapies for her various physical health concerns, not forgetting she was grieving her husband of almost 50 years.
  It was a stressful time for all of us, and in truth my ex husband was not best placed when it came to family obligation or responsibility. Anyway, my mother took the kids too stay with her, and coped with the help of the extended family, friends and neighbors in caring for my two older children while I was confined to the maternity ward.

In truth, I think its fair to say I didn't have time to morn my dad, I had too many other things on my mind related to how my mum was coping with the other two weans, and of course the worries related to the risks of my pregnancy and loosing my baby.

I was in hospital for 11weeks and when my baby was born at 36 weeks he was a tiny wee laddie, but he made good progress despite contracting jaundices and the discovery of a heart murmur, and eventually I went home and was reunited with my other two children.

It was  a difficult time, and  in retrospect not surprising that I was to be diagnosed with post natal depression.
In addition to all the other things that had happened at that time, my former husband was having an affair, of course he was denying this, and frankly it was not the first time, he was a serial adulterer, but that was the least of my concerns. I couldn't prove it, although some time later the affair he was having resulted in the birth of another son for him some 17 months later, again something he dienied for quite some time in regard to admitting it was his child. At the time, when I confronted him regarding thees issues to address them and either end the marriage or work on it, I was told I was imagining it, obsessed with jealousy, possessive, neurotic, psychotic and frankly as mad as a hatter. I wasn't, but he was entitled to his opinion.
 I include these issue in this blogg, only to reflect some of the issues I was dealing with at the time, that I have no doubt contributed to my post natal depression.

My saving grace came in the form of an angel called Elizabeth Forbes, Mrs Forbes was my sons health visitor and she suggested I find something that gave me, me time, a hobby or interest that was for me, some R&;R away from the other R of my responsibility.
 I cannot stress enough the support that I got from Mrs Forbes, she was a wonderful health visitor, supportive, caring, non judgmental and she listened and offered advice not just on health areas related to my baby and other kids but, coping with three kids while depressed and stressed, I took her advice, and I joined a writing group and drama club at the Harbour Arts Centre, and began to have a few hours me time every week.

I had always had a keen interest in the arts drama and dancing primarily, and writing, had always been a release for me , therapeutically.

This "me" time, made all the difference in the world far more than any drug treatment I had received for the depression, which only served to enhance the it,  making me feel lethargic, tired , sick, and weary, and affected my eating, physical  and emotional health negativity. These side effects are not uncommon with conventional drug therapies for depression, not to mention that they can form addictive habits to the drugs, that certainly in post natal depression, is a temporary condition that will eventually pass in time.

Through my involvement with the HAC, I regained my confidence in my self and my abilities, I formed friendships and became involved with the center participating in other projects, I appeared in pantomime, and a production of Educating Reta, I devised directed &; produced a tribute show to musicals, and was involved with some performance poetry events.

I eventually was approached and offered a position as part time events co-coordinator at the center and was involved with some summer school arts projects and out reach work.

That me time , that Mrs Forbes suggested set me on the path to recovery from post natal depression and showed me that I was capable of being a mother and "me" an individual with a live outside my family obligations & responsibility, its important when working with our depression, that we realize, in order to express our love & kinship for others we must love ,appreciate and look after ourselves.