I decided to abstain from sex.
I made the decision after a very stupid, rash casual sex encounter, which I imminently regretted, not because of the encounter itself, so to speak...
it was as most sexual encounters of that sort are,
average...
and as such, quickly forgotten...,
indeed, I remember it now, not because of the sex but because of the reasons I had it in the 1st place...
and as a result of the decision to abstain from sex thereafter.
The reasons I had it, were in themself not the right ones to get down and dirty on the lounge carpet,
but, at the time it made sense to me in a rather immature and senseless fashion....as sometimes thing do...
in that senseless thoughtless way...
I suggest, such is the way often that people have such regrettable casual sexual encounters.
I like sex, I always have, but at that point in my life I realized that all too often I had got into situations I would come to regret as a result of my liking of the physical aspects of sex, and indeed, that all to often despite the physical aspects of casual sexual encounters, by and large most casual sexual encounters didn't satisfy me during, or after the act itself, and as such left me with feelings of regret and why did I do that, why did I even bother...questions...
and of course sometime the follow up of calls, can i see you again's, and the trying to avoid chance meeting with the other person involved, were just more trouble than the sex was worth in the 1st instance, or on any level.
I make no excuse for my behavior in regard of sex or sexual promiscuity, then or at any time before, I firmly believe if you want to have casual, or paid for sex that's your buisness, whatever your reasons, it is an individual choice that we are all, as adults entitled to make & decide on,
at any given time for ourselves, any regrets or indeed, joys, thereafter as a result of the experience, are ours to bare.
On that particular occasion my regrets were two fold, perhaps even three fold...
It happened at a very difficult period in my life, when I was, some might say, going slightly nuts with the everyday aspects and stresses of my live, not important for the context of these random thoughts... other than perhaps in the relevance they bare on my actual decision to have the encounter that brought about the decision to abstain thereafter till now...
At the time, and for something of a lengthy period leading up to the particular encounter I mentioned,
my sex live was, at most not very exciting and rather boring, and at least, extremely infrequent to none existent..
but to be fair, that in itself wasn't an issue for me,
I 've gone without sex for long periods in the past by choice before, preferring, as it were, to have meaningful or at very least, good sex rather than bad sex that left me with feelings of regret and emptiness, which by and large, the encounters & brief "relationships" ( I use the term relationships here loosely because in truth I hadn't been involved in what I deem a relationship for a very long time) had left me feeling.
The reason that the particular encounter happened I shall now explain , bizarre as it may seem, or may be.
In the period between 2006 and 2008 I began using social media networking sites. Not as a means to form relationships, find love or casual sex , i hasten to add,
but as a means of keeping in-touch with family and friends, primarily Bebo & msm, before I was introduced to facebook via a friend from col age, ideally to keep up with uni assignments and to be able to discuss modules and study related stuff.
My collage friend sent me links to various apps and from there I started finding some of my own that interested me.
Without seeming to make it an excuse, I admittedly found myself finding interest in the opposite sex again, something that as a result of too many bad relationships in the past I had lost interest in, or I dare say, given up on.
Anyway, as a result of this I found a discussion site I particularly liked because it it offered the opportunity to discuss many topics and various world issues of interest to me, it also, i felt, offered the opportunity to form online friendship with like minded people from all over the globe.
I found myself spending a lot of time on the site , and when the stress and issues of my day to day live were getting on top, I felt that some of the friendships I had made on this particular site were of great support to me at that time, indeed, looking back I realize that without the support of some of these people getting through that particularly difficult period would have been nae on impossible.
So here's where it gets complicated... my day to day shit apart...( not relevant to the random thoughts I am addressing in this space...)
Amongst the many people I had formed freindship's with I found myself , attracted to , if not even falling in love with someones... ( yes plural)the problem was, I came to believe in my head that the plurality was indeed not a plurality but that the person I was falling in love with was the same person with different accounts... ( of course, I will never know if that was the case of not, but it certainly felt that way to me at the time, and in addition, as I said my head was in a fucked up place at that time , not necessarily something those I was chatting to were aware of, or even if they were, to what ex stent my head was fucked up was not something they could be party to being aware of) again bye the bye in context of relevance to what I am addressing...
Now, the particular person I felt I was falling in love with, was not aesthetically the "type" those who know me would say I was attracted to... although there was something I found attractive, but by the time I had actually seen photos that were said to be of him, I was already in mid fall( of the love type) with the personality , the character, of who I believed him to be.
It was the things he talked about with passion, that attracted me, the things he said , the opinions we shared that we were both passionate about, in regard of many issues and subject matter, that made me feel so strongly about him behind all the masks I believed he was wearing when he said them... ( all sounds very bizarre and crazy but I guess in retrospect this is the anonymity that the internet allows us to present , on the internet we can demonstrate different aspects of our self wearing different faces if we choose to, indeed, if we are clever enough to , cos often there are tell tale signs that might give us away... I can't do it, i have enough difficulty being me... hiding behind my own masks painted on with lip stick, eye pencil and mascara, trying to invent a whole different profile is beyond my ability to sustain with any credibility, as a Gemini a little bit of the me's that are me. is always enough to give me away, no matter the mask I try to hide behind, so I don't bother... I'm an open book , and I guess fairly transparent... if not always readable.
There were of course some things he said I didn't like, and there were things "behaviors " expressed, that pissed me off no end, but isn't that part of being in love... that we recognize the good and bad aspects of the character of the person we are in love with, and love them none the less for that.
Don't get me wrong, he didn't encourage me, nor did he give any indication that the feelings were mutual, indeed eventually he cut me off completely and stopped talking to me, and said some shit things about me...& to me... but hey , that's life... shit happens as they say.
Thing was, by then it was already too late for me I was in love with him... not just as that particular avatar, but by then I had come to believe that although he had cut me off as him behind that mask, I was convinced he was still talking to me behind his many other avatar masks... ( of course without proof... irrelevant and thus in my case not without justification that he would say I was delusional....
which he did, and on more than 1 occasion , and with more than one mask on when saying it.... and which with hindsight now , I realize he was absofuckinglutly correct in his judgment of me at that time.
which brings me to the random thoughts that provoked me to write this blogg.
Firstly I must return to the random sexual encounter explained earlier in this regard...
I came to believe at some point that the person I had fell in love with was trying to make me jealous with other accounts (avitars) by flirting... maybe he was... maybe he was trying to see how I would react... maybe it had nothing to do with me and it was only my ego that made me feel he was deliberately testing my reactions to different things,
I don't like when people test my loyalty or my love...
I try to be honest with people , I am as I am , mostly, but..
I can be an arse, in the same way anyone else can...
I firmly believe whats good for the goose is good for the gander, and when I thought my delusion of a love interest was playing the are you jealous game, I decided to play it back... irrational as my thinking in regard were at the time... I was, as I said, in a fucked up place with regard to my day to days, and as a result not always thinking with my sensible or logical head on...
I think at the time I wanted to prove something to myself ... that being, that I could fuck someone else and thus, prove to myself I wasn't in love with him...
( not how it works, sex has about as much to do with being in love as dropping a bomb has in making peace)
and also, if I'm honest, wanted to see if it provoked any feeling of jealously in him.
the results was;
1. I felt instant regret that I was getting down and dirty with someone who not only was I not attracted to, but very quickly realized I didn't even like. ( not their fault, indeed, mine, cos I was using him, so hell bloody mend me)
2.My real love interest was not jealous and made no comment or issue of my actions.
( btw, there was encouragement in the 1st place when I mentioned I was considering going out and getting fucked by another avatar, was it his? i don't know could have been, but i think not, but I do think it was another female who herself wanted to be his love interest & who may or may not have known him well enough to know that by encouraging me thus would be counter productive to any possible relationship with him... i could be wrong that's just a feeling i have, as they say oh what a tangled web we weave.... bla bla bla and so on....)
ANYWAY, that was it as sex went , I made the decision that I would no longer have casual sex, I wanted any future sexual encounters to be of some form of meaningfulness, for the right reasons, with the right person.
That's not to say my abstinence was celebicy in its true form, I still regularly give my self a good seeing to, and fantasized, fuck sake i am human, and as I said, I'm a human who likes sex very much indeed, I did not nor do I think that fantasizing or masturbation amounts to breech of sexual fidelity to the one we love.
As far as jealousy goes, it's a negative emotion, we all experience it at some point in our lives for different reasons at different times, and react at those different times, for different reasons, in different ways.
I ask myself am I a jealous person? I like to think not.
Certainly as far as stuff goes, no, I am not,
sure there are times when I feel, or have felt, envy of something I would like to have, or be able to do for myself, or indeed others, I cant' afford or can't have or give....
Sure,
I have felt envy of some of the achievements " successes" of other in areas I would like to achieve in but have failed to find achievement in,
but at the same time I don't think of that as jealously of them, merely as disappointment at my own failure, in fact, by an large, when I think of the achievement " success " is merited, I am pleased for them if they have worked hard to reach their goals and managed to.
Am I jealous of other people's good looks or beauty or intelligence... envious , sure sometimes... jelous no not really.
In my past I have wished I was pretty , good looking, beautiful... or sophisticated... or more clever, because I felt others would treat me differently, with respect or, indeed maybe, if I was those things the men I was attracted to , would be attracted to me...
but...with hindsight and these days.... no , I don't think or feel that way... I have learned to like, even love myself for who I am...
if someone is going to fall in love with me , or respect me I want it to be as I am, who I am, for what I have managed to achieve, with acceptance of who I have been in my past and what & who I am now,with understanding of how I came from there to here to be as I am now...
not some outer facade of what is persevered to be beautiful or intelligent or fashionable...or acceptable norm... on some false level
I want it to be because they recognise my abilities , my capabilities and indeed my flaults and failings, and love me irrespective as a human being, an individual with all the emotions and feeling that make me, me.
As far as sex goes, am I jealous of the person I love having sex with someone else....
this question is again two fold and I shall explain why...
I want fidelity in my relationships, not because of jealously issues , though I dare say that does contribute to my feelings on the issue because of my live experiences...and also because I have seen and know the complications that can arise from various issues and aspects of emotional security in relation to this area of relationships...( and not just from personal experience but by watching others) I can't change my perseption of that as a result of these factors.
For me the intimacy of sex, is something I can give to someone, as me, that is a part of me that is only for them, to share...
thoughts, chats all sorts of other personal stuff can be shared for numerous reasons, sometimes even without the intention of sharing them, by result of numerous situations that can impact or bring about cause that finds the sharing of the thought or chat unavoidable...
sexual intimacy... is something that becomes special because it is primarily the personal aspect of the self that you can keep, to give, if you choose only for the one you love ,...
it's the 1 thing that no one else has right to take, or expect ,or be given, between you and your lover...( in my mind anyway... this shit is hard to explain )
Now the final complexity...
in my random thoughts in regard of this blogg...
My delusion of love...
the He, I came to love behind a thousand masks...
I came to know later after I had fell in love with unmasked...
I may never, probably will never know if this he and the he of my delusion are one in the same...
none the less, I love him...
I love him, for the reasons I came to love him I mentioned before in regard of the discussion site...
because of the opinions and shared passions I believed we had.
I came to believe in a relationship that I cannot prove, and thus , I am in love with the man of my delusions...
Of a who, I believe him to be...
I am envious of those who get to share his time , have his company , talk to him and have the ability to reach out an touch his face... or hand
I am jealous of the woman with whom he shares intimacy, casual, or in romantic relationships, because I wish it was me...
I forgive him, the times when in my delusion of our relationship, he cheated on me by having sex... with whoever for whatever reason, because ...
the relationship is my fantasy, my delusion...
he never agreed or admitted to being a party to it ,
he never claimed to be my lover or even my friend...
I made him the subject of the unmasked man behind the masks of my delusions of a lover I have never known or had a conversation with as the true self ...
and as such my love, my perception of a relationship
my abstinence from sex for 5 years, is as a result of my being in love with him not anything he has done or asked of me...
and as such is little more than a fantasy of mine...
an illusion of a delusion of love...
Would that I could stop being in love with him, I would ...
but that's not how love works ...
I have no control over that... no one does...
these days... all I truly want is
that whatever his circumstances come to be..
the he, who my delusion of love, in my minds eye, came to be in reality...
will find the love he deserves that he wants , if he hasn't already,and that he will be free to enjoy it...
As for my delusion...
my love for him does not end just because I have woke up from the dream in which my delusion of our relationship existed,
I can't stop loving him, just because the love is not reciprocated...
or because i want to...
I can, however acept the reality that is my live
and thus at very least try to move on from my delusion of love...
in the hope of a dream where a real love,
maybe someday,
if I'm lucky ...
will find me...
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