random ...shit like love happens...

I been thinking a lot about random stuff these last few days...
i do that sometimes..
not cos i want to particularly,
just cos its something that happens, its one of em phases i go thru from time to time...

Anyway,
I got to thinking about the last time i fell in love...
it was a while ago now, about 6 maybe even 7 years..yeah that long...

At the time it wasn't something i had planned on...
certainly didn't expect it,
buts that's kinda the thing about falling in love
you don't really have a say..
like shit... love happens...

At the time & for a time after it happened
i was well angry with myself for letting myself
cos at the time i had enough on my plate,
life was busy...
I was at university doing serious studying shit,
I was bringing up 2 teenagers alone...without support
working part time...
trying to be a granny, to my then newly born grandson, 3oo miles away
and mend broken walls &build bridges
 regarding what I believed was a slightly a damaged relationship with my daughter
about past love transgressions & mistakes...
man trouble ws the last thing i needed or wanted in my life.

Additionally, me being me, it wasn't straight forward
Nop, I fell in love with a random avitar stranger on the internet!!
and this cunt didn't have just 1 avitar, he had hundreds,
although to be fair on myself the internet, social net working, was all new 2 me.
I didn't get it, I can be naive,so it took a while to realize the multi gravitas angle.
so technically i felt myself falling for the him or to be fair even possibly her, behind the wee cute pics!!!
not good, I already had serious trust issues...
the what if its a woman issue oviously crossed my mind,
not cos i'm anti gay, or anti bisexual...i'm not
but I tried same sex coupling, in my past
fanny just doesn't tickle my fancy
if you know what i mean...
I'v notice people sometimes don't get that...
I love lots of females, I find lots of females attractive, beautiful
but i don't want to have sex with them
I don't feel sexually atracted to them
they don't turn me on...
simple as really.

Anyway... it bothered me, a little for that reason
aditionally because if it was a woman then she was misleading me
to believe she was a man and that is bang out of order.

so, to get back to the point...
deep down I beleive it was a bloke
maybe cos i wanted to beleive that..
Now he didn't lead me on or anything like that
he was friendly... supportive
and I told him how i felt...

There was other shit happening in my life that wasn't plesant
& he was just, well ..
he made it all easier..
so I gave him my soul!!!

yup i am that stupid...but not really
which i shall come to...
 i gave him my soul, asked him to look after it for me
that may seem bizarre, but i am often one of bizarre behavior
& i had it on good advice it was the right thing to do
what fool would give that advice in those circumstances u may wonder
well that's private, and between me and my special friend who gave me guidance
 on all the issues involved.
anyway, soon after I gave my soul into the safe keeping of my avitar lover
he disappeared ... or at least that's how it appeared
and did he give me back my soul?
did he fuck!!!
I asked , no reply... stone walled as they say...

It was , as I said a difficult time in my life...
and i felt terribly lost, at times even afraid, very afraid
not least because i felt I was, by and large,
having to face some nasty demons more or less alone.

Time passes though,...
i'v done  lot of random thinking about it all in the in between times
and I'v come to the conclusion
that i did the right thing giving my soul to avitar man
why ?
because I know he kept my soul safe...
how do I know this?
well , because all things being connected,
particularly souls... to souls &
souls to spirits...
i got through it...
i came to understand many things because of him,
and if he had mistreated or abused my soul
which is always part of me, who ever or where ever is at or with
in safe hands, i remain strong...
stronger... because deep down through the all of it
I never stopped loving avitar man...
it didn't matter that he didn't love me...
or want me ... or feel for me as i did him..,
cos thats how love is...
we don't get to choose who we love or fall in love with...
or who loves or falls in love with us...
or indeed out of love with us...
what matters is that the love given is not abused
is not damaged beyond repair, is not subject to cruelty...
love , I think teaches us many things
not least about our selfs and thus we become better for the lessons
we learn to heal ourselves & thus can help in our interactions with others
 so yeah, avitar man, i never stopped loving him,
did i get over him?
i find a funny question in some, many ways...
so all i can say to that is...
 i am still in love with him ,
i still see him in the sometimes somewhere of my mind
& sometimes...
in the somewhere everywhere of the world wide web
i may always be in love with him...
but i can't MAKE him feel that way about me
anymore now, than i could then...
not least because i don't know what he looks like sounds like or any other damn thing,
i know only how he made me feel , how he talked to me, and treated me
and that he never did me harm or showed me intent of harm or hurt
if I hurt it was as as a result of my feelings towards him not his to me
or anything he did towards me,
he was, i know without doubt, a good soul
for I have known bad souls & I have danced with demons
and he was neither of those
nor can force myself to not being in love with him
that is, i guess in many respects his love issue...
and i am not resposable for how that makes him feel
6-7 years on i guess its forgotton for him so i don't fret over that!!

so yeah like shit love happens...
sometimes its a bother like shit on the shoe, usually indicating it isn't true
for love is a blessing which i hope it will always feel to be for you...

so, now i get on with my life..
i'm ready to move on with my life
where ever that leads even if thats alone...
always greatful to him, always loving him
for taking good care of my soul
and helping me learn to love myself again
and understand the true deapth of love...
&  like Kahil Gibran said...
"make not a bond of love...
...... for love is sufficient unto love"