Tonight as I write this blog it is with very mixed emotions, mostly unhappy ones, indeed I have left my bed where I'v been most of the day to write it.

I had a doctors appointment this morning, nothing to do with my Mental Health issues, although I suppose in retrospect, everything to do with my Mental health.

Today's appointment was in regard of recent physical health conditions that have been increasingly "coming on top".
I try very hard not to mention when I feel unwell to my daughter, or other family members,(not that I see them or hear from them by and large) as a mental health patient you tend to find that physical health problems tend to be disregarded when your a MH sufferer, often regarded as  laziness, or hypochondria, or self pity,  as a result of this, in my own case, I try to just say nothing although sometimes my mood reflects my being down, and ends up with raised voices accusations or the likes , apparently, according to my daughter I reflect these behaviors every  6weeks or so.
I dont deny she may be right, but nor do I feel I get the support I need from anywhere , and this has been the case for the last 5-6years when my problems began.

The problems began with stress resulting from the financial problems I was having with my social landlord, I won't go through it all again, its logged in my blog, how it began & how it escalated to bring me to where I am now, I cope with the stress, the trauma, triggers & flashbacks to all of that , I believe, fairly well.
Of course I get upset that I was denied justice, I don't deny that, but I don't know what more I can do about  it and I am by and large out of energy to try to find ways, though I try to stay positive, its not easy, my life has been, I feel, taken from me, my career path, my possibility of financial security, so no , its not easy, but I cope and try to move on...
sadly I can't move on, because my memory of it all won't let me, and no matter how many times my family tell me to move on and forget it, I can't, because of both the injustice in relation to the events that caused the crime of violence against my by police , with a duty of care, and all that ensued there after,
my family seem to  have no idea how its feels to live with that from then till now, they have no idea of what I went though emotionally and from the aspects of the bullying and harassment, and unjust treatment  I was subject to, and I would challenge any of them to move on had they gone thru it themselves with none, to little support, particularly from their loved ones
. Don't get me wrong I realize they may find it difficult to talk about  or hear about, but that being the case they should try living with being the person it happened to.
Anyway , I deviate, I never meant to do that...

So, todays appointment was in regard of pains I have been having in my head and other related symptoms that have given me raise for concern regarding the deterioration in my physical health lately.

I should explain I haven't been to the doctors since april, with the same problem, these pains in my neck and back of my head.
At the time I suggested to him I expected it was stress as had been previously been diagnosed for similar pains and he agreed. so I left it at that, mostly because of the way I had been treated by his colleague when I went to register as a new patient and was rushed and made to feel uncomfortable, I had mentioned to her my MH problems & related insomnia witch had been my reason to visit, I don't use meds for my MH, I manage it with alternative therapies, writing, painting ,meditation, & what not, It has to be very bad before I go to the doc for any kind of meds, as my records will reflect, so to get told to get up have a cup of tea if I cant sleep and then try again , is frankly insulting, particularly when I had explained my condition and how I cope , indeed she never even looked at my records , just rushed me out as I had reached my 10minite appointment slot.
 This is not good new patient care, and the reason I have avoided attending, as I have since then, feeling I could cope, which I have, although to be honest having some talk support might have helped here and there, but thats not to be, so thank fuck for social net works and the kindness of the odd stranger now and again to chat to and just vent...
Back to today's appointment, I made it because in recent weeks I have had an increased feeling of exhaustion, more than what I might normally have as a result of a depressive episode, I have been run down as they call it , I had a chest intention which it took me a long time to get over , and I still don't feel completely recovered from that, I have had increased pain in my shoulders neck and the back of my skull, increased headaches more frequently, I am pron to migraine, but this is not like migraine or even tension headaches because it seems to stem from the pressure I feel constantly at the back of my skull, and my left arm is weak, this I tend to ignore as since my elbow was broken by the police I get occasional discomfort in that arm when the weather is bad, but again, this recent sensation in my arm is different its more like a numbness or laziness as opposed to pain.
So I knew I should see a doctor , because hypochondriac MH patient or not, these are, I know serious physical symptoms that could indicate risk of stroke, anurisum , or even brain tumor,
Yes, I realize that that all makes me sound even more like a paronid hypochondriac, but that doesn't deflect from the fact that the symptoms are real and I am correct in my possible prognosis so is-int it the correct thing to get these things checked out, that's what you'd advise someone with these symptoms who didn't have mental health issues, which is what I had to convince myself of in order to make the appointment, so I did.

The doctor was late arriving , my appointment was for 9.15am he arrived at 9.20 and didn't call me through till just after 9.30, so I was already would up as another pacient who arrived after me told me the doc didn't start work till 9.30 so why the fuck give me an appointment for 9.15, I have the slip of paper it was writtin on I had not got the time wrong.
When I entered the room he was looking at the computer which is fine,he may have been checking my history, but when I sat down and he spoke to me , that would have been a good time to at least look at me instead of talking to the screen, which was what he did, i delayed answering him and only then did he turn to look at me, bad start...
I told him about the pains in my head, he took my blood pressure, took him three times to get a accurate reading, it was low, HE never asked f I had normally low BP, I don't , but he never asked, nor did he explain the issues related to hypo tension, , blood pressure. I guess he just presumed I would know, i didn't , not everyone would, he should not have made that presumptions & should have briefed me on some of the problems that can be related to low blood pressure.
Again he said it was probably stress since it had been going on so long, I said I wanted to rule out worse case sinareo since it had been on going so long, he told me if it was a tumor something would have happened b4 now given how long I said i'd had it, but he checked my eyes & ears and gave me an appointment referal card with the hospitals number & told me to phone the hospital & make an appointment for an x-ray,,, it might be some ostio in the neck and shoulders he said we can check it out...
I can't phone till Wednesday I got no credit on my phone and no money till I get paid , but, I never told him that, by then  his behavior, manner, tone and attitude had me so wound up I was no longer taking anything he said in, and forgot to mention the tiredness in my arm, that could indicate stroke ... nor did I ask for pain relief for the pains in my head, he never offered any though I had said how bad it was and that it was interfering with my ability to sleep... so I left, quite upset by his manner if I am honest...
when I realized at 11.45am I hadn't got anything for the pain I nipped back down its only a few doors from where i live  5 minutes, surgery time is 9.30am -12pm apparently, but when I got there at 11.50 & explained to the receptionist  I'd forgot to ask for pain relieve & he hadn't offered any she said he'd left the building & It would have to be tomorrow...
There's little I could say so I left...
& to be honest there is little I can think of to say now... about any of it...

So I shall close this now, and carry on managing and hope its not serious & that I don't have a stroke anytime soon... and that the pains in my head and neck are nothing serious
& just tell mthe arm has gone to sleep, and hope that all is well with my health after all, and my physical symproms are all just in my mind... thought i know damn well they are not... cos the pain in my head & neck & shoulders is so intense that I feel like crying... but I won't do that either ...
I will just manage it all as always ... and carry on...